Not who I used to be
by Tseecka Akeunah
Summary: Heero is faced with a terrible choice...one that would have once been easy...but he has changed from the stoic soldier he once was, and now the choice is much, much more difficult...


To my left, a young girl stands. She is held at gunpoint, and I know the one holding the gun will not hesitate to shoot. The gun is cocked, and loaded- I know, because I loaded it myself. I didn't know what it was to be used for; I thought I was merely superior. My captor came into my cell and asked me to load it for her. It is a great fault of mine, feeling superior towards others. I remember once, a teen my age saved my life and pulled my Mobile Suit up from the ocean. Immediately following, I was called away on a mission. My missions always came first, even before my safety. Besides, I was better than him. I knew what I was doing. I didn't care if I didn't have the parts needed- I didn't need them. My feeling of superiority almost caused my end. And now I've done it again. Thinking this inferior, dumb woman couldn't load the newest model of revolver. Granted, I was partly right- it's a hugely complicated weapon. But I still thought she was so stupid, she couldn't do it for herself. And now she is pointing the gun towards my daughter's head. My daughter.her cobalt blue eyes fill with tears, and this surprises me. She is a Yuy, like myself- we have no emotion. Never once have I seen her eyes smile, or scrunch into tears- even as a baby, she was emotionless. Yet now she cries, and her mouth forms the word daddy, but I can't hear her. She's behind a thick glass pane, which sound cannot penetrate. And that OZ officer who is threatening her cannot hear me, even if I was to beg for mercy. To beg for my daughter's life. Not that I would- I am a Yuy and as such am emotionless also. At least, that's what I want my enemy to think.  
  
To my right there is a huge video screen, into which 17 different areas are being shown through live video feeds. Earth and her 16 colonies. At each screen I can see the huge masses of Mobiles, Suits and Dolls, ready to fire. I don't doubt that they have the firepower to destroy- I have seen the destruction with my own eyes. I have caused that kind of destruction. In fact, I know that they could have deployed half the mobiles I am being shown, and still all 17 areas would be wiped out. But they- OZ- wish to leave no room for doubts in my mind. They want me to know that this isn't some harmless bluff. I know all the civilization of those areas are watching in fear as I face the choice I have, knowing that if I point to my left, they will all perish. Immediately.  
  
This is my choice. I am faced with the life of my daughter, or the life of humankind, and I have to choose between them. Normally, this would not be so hard. My missions have always come first, before anything else in my life. I would sacrifice myself in order to complete my mission successfully. But then, I had no emotion. That's all different now. Now, I have a daughter, and I have learned to love. I have learned to feel the most powerful emotion in the world, and in outer space. The Earth and her colonies were always the focus of my missions; they could rely on the Perfect Soldier to carry out whatever he was told, whether it be to protect them, or destroy them. But that was because I didn't love. I do now. And love is what makes me frantically look back and forth between my left and right, trying to figure something out.  
  
No one else knows that Heero Yuy can feel emotion now. Not even my daughter. It is weak of a man to allow himself to be controlled through emotions. And that is why I know that those people down below me, on Earth and on the various colonies, are certain that they are going to be saved. Heero Yuy wouldn't let even the life of his own daughter, his own flesh and blood, get in the way of the safety and preservation of those he has spent his whole life preserving. Those poor souls. They haven't a clue.  
  
Slowly I raise my hand. I have to choose soon. The clock is counting down, and if I run out of time, all the lives will be lost, including my daughter. But it's such a hard decision to make. I move my hand slowly to first the left, then the right. Sweat breaks out on my brow. The façade of the Perfect Soldier, of Heero Yuy, is breaking. And if it does, no one will have any hope. And they, my enemy, will know of my weakness. My hand strays back to the middle.  
  
I bite my lip, trying to think through the ravage of thoughts that are pounding in my brain. Trying to make a choice. Save one life, or billions? If the one life were one of someone I, the new Heero Yuy, love, I would choose her. I know that with no doubts whatsoever. But.but there is something holding me back.  
  
My friends are down there. Below on the Earth and on the colonies my friends are gathered with the masses watching for my decision. I am influencing them as well. They depend on me; they always have. But now, I don't know if I'll be able to come through for them again, this one last time. My daughter's life is at stake.  
  
The OZ officer gestures with her head towards the clock. She doesn't dare lift her hand from the ties that bind my daughter, nor from the trigger of the gun. If she does, either my daughter or myself will make her sorry for it, and we will escape, and everyone will live. But she knows, and so she is careful. Damn her.  
  
The clock is counting down -I have only a few minutes left. Tears begin to well in my eyes, and I duck my head so that my enemy cannot see my weakness. For tears would be seen as weakness.  
  
I am the Heart and Soul of Outer Space. They depend on me, all of them, all those innocents down below. Everyone's lives depend on me. I can't refuse them. But my daughter.my daughter is standing with tears running down her face calling my name. Daddy, daddy, save me! Please help me! I want to run to her and fold my arms around her, but that would mean the end for everyone else, on both the colonies and the Earth.  
  
Oh, if only by stalling I could prevent this from happening! Let the people of the worlds escape on rockets, get free, so that when I reach out my hand to my daughter they would not die, there would not be so much blood on my hands, but I know that they, my enemy, are watching and that any who try to leave will be killed. The only way out is to make a decision. And make it fast. Time is slipping away.  
  
The clock is nearing the end. There is less than a minute left. Trembling, my arm begins to move to the left. I'm trying to make it small, so that maybe people will die thinking that there was hope left, but I know my friends will see. And they won't be ashamed, or angry. They'll understand.  
  
The death.so much death in the past.it's getting to me. All my life, I have protected those I.those I.my mind hesitates to form the word. I don't want to admit that maybe, all the time I was the stern, emotionless Perfect Soldier, I was really screaming and crying inside for all those I was killing, for the lives that were being lost on my account. Those I.loved.  
  
There. I loved them. That's why they didn't die. That's why I protected them. Not out of necessity to my missions, no, but because I loved and cared for them. But that was nothing. Nothing compared to what I feel for my daughter.  
  
If I had truly succeeded in my missions, she wouldn't be standing there, her cobalt blue eyes filled to tears, and with a gun at her head. No, she would have grown up in a world of peace. But I failed. And there is still war. So why don't I make up for my mistakes? My mind is made up.  
  
With no hesitation anymore, I point to the left. All my tears come now as my daughter rushes into my arms. "I knew you wouldn't let me die, Daddy," she whispers into my hair. And I don't even notice as one by one the entire population of humanity, except for those of us safe in space, is destroyed. I know my friends will understand.I hope they understand. I don't want them dying hating me. I know the innocents will barely have time to register my betrayal before they are obliterated. And I know that my daughter and I are safe. And that's all I need.  
  
Maybe now, there'll finally be peace. 


End file.
